he put my paper down then and looked at me like he’d just beaten the hell out of me in ping-pong or something. i don’t think i’ll ever forgive him for reading me that crap out-loud. i wouldn’t have read it out-loud to him if he’d written it–i really wouldn’t.
lately, for some reason, i’ve been missin riding a lot. i’ve been thinkin about gettin a new horse…but, my spine discs are and might always be, fucked beyond repair. so, i dunno. this vid is cool, tho. the sword makes the opening scene pretty rad.
i also wanted to say that flamin hot cheetos are addicting and painful. i always buy them. they burn the shit out of my mouth, but for some reason i am hooked on em. anyway.
let’s all pay monthly to sit in chairs and stare at this gay looking cartoon shit for HOURS so we can gain a LeVeL. let’s not even question it. let’s just do it every fuckin day for like six hours and FIVE fucking years. i’m serious. let’s not even think about what retarded fucking tools we are and just RAID CAVES over and over. it’s fun if we start a gUiLd cause then we can speak in WoW language and be huge dorks all at once. when i get home from work i’m just gonna start playing it without even thinking. i swear, life sucks, friends suck, doing things sucks but this game fucking pwns. i love how the battles look so fuckin gay, and so fucking fake. my emo haired nightelf’s name is rood-dood-no-homo. no fucking way, your level seventy gnome has a pink sword and is called thornhammer6660427800167? well, that is just cool my friend. you are creative as FUCK. now, let’s order a pizza so we only have to walk to the front fuckin door. god forbid we leave the house cause i don’t wanna take my eyes off of this bullshit for more than a couple seconds.
neil mccauley and chris shiherlis, heat.
one of the best scenes is when neil comes home to his ocean-front home after taking care of shit all night and finds chris sleeping on his floor. he pours a couple cups of coffee and then they discuss their daily criminal agenda in neil’s unfurnished living room. if it’s your first time seeing the film you’ll have no idea what they are talking about. anyway, that scene always makes me wish i ran a crew and took scores in l.a.
sorter, revolver
this is one of those characters that needs it’s own film. there are only a few scenes in revolver where sorter is the main focus, but he owns them completely and with minimal dialogue. i’d say sorter is one of the best ideas for a pro-killer ever developed. the scene to look for is when sorter walks into this back room where all these bastards are playing poker. he’s wearing blue cover-alls so it looks like he’s maintenance or something. he slowly shuts the door behind him, looks around the room very nonchalantly, then reaches into his duffel-bag to pull out a silenced uzi and spray every dude at the table—zero emotion. i lol every time.
dignan, bottle rocket
dignan is one of my all time favorite characters. i don’t know why, but this guy is cool. he could probably be a great thief if only he had the right crew. throughout the film, dignan remains positive during even the most hopeless of situations. my favorite scene is near the end, when dignan’s crew visits him in jail. as he’s leaving in the line-up and saying goodbye and everything, he starts telling them he’s figured a way to break out and, on his signal, to take out the guard in the tower and then shield him with their bodies because the guards won’t shoot civilians. just when they almost actually do it, he gets this grin on his face because he’s only kidding. the crazy thing was that he almost got them to start taking out guards and everything in a span of maybe five seconds. plus, dignan wears a yellow jumpsuit for no reason, which is badass.
patrick bateman, american psycho
i guess you couldn’t really label bateman (batman?) as an antihero. he’s more of an envious, inhuman, bitter, sadistic, psycho-delusional, cannibalistic music enthusiast. the hip to be square axe-murder part is probably my favorite, but as a graphic designer, i also tend to lol at the business card scene.
henri “papillon” charriere and louis dega, papillon
even after numerous failed prison breaks, and even after having been incarcerated for so many years that being a prisoner on devil’s island has become a way of life to everyone else, papillon continues to fight his way out. escape is his constant objective. his mind is relentless, much like the above dignan imo. also, not only does mcqueen make being a prisoner seem cool, but hoffman is a genius as dega. supposedly there is a re-make in the works involving r. downey jr. as charriere and p. seymour hoffman as dega.
jake green, revolver
one thing i’ve learned in the last seven years: in every game and con there’s always an opponent, and there’s always a victim. the trick is to know when you’re the latter, so you can become the former — j.g.
anton chigurh, no country for old men
chigurh is not exactly an antihero. he’s the primary villian in ncfom, but there are so many good scenes with this guy, you start to like him. the lucky quarter, the silenced shotgun hotel slaughter and the pharmacy robbery scenes are the few that spring to mind. also, anton kills people with a pneumatic rod cattle gun, which is probably the most original weapon i’ve seen in a film.
leon, the professional
in a heavy french accent — the rifle is the first weapon you learn how to use, because it lets you keep your distance from the client. the closer you get to being a pro, the closer you can get to the client. the knife, for example, is the last thing you learn — leon
jeffrey goines, 12 monkeys
jeffrey is fuckin insane. any part of this movie with jeffrey in it is excellent. he’ll flip you off for no reason and if you listen to him long enough he will start to make sense.
tyler durden, fight club
arguably the most famous of modern antiheroes and alternate personalities. you can’t have an antihero thread and not mention durden, period. a character who believes that in order to free the world, you must first destroy it. it doesn’t get more antihero than this: in the world i see, you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of rockefeller center. you’ll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. you’ll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the sears tower. and when you look down, you’ll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway — c.p. for durden
skate 2. hmm. well, it’s pretty ok. i’m kinda already bored with it. hippie jumps are fun, but hard to time. also, this game is really skippy, as in choppy. especially when you are in a small area and a lot of shit is happening. it can get so choppy that i can’t even control my guy, who by the way looks nothing like me because you still can’t adjust the height of your guy (when will they put that into games? i don’t care how “hard it would be”) and the default character has an extremely fat face, which can be toned down, but not enough, really. so, my guy kinda looks like a ufc fighter or a powerlifter, not a skater. also, why do the pro characters get to wear cool jeans and all of the jeans i have to pick from are bell-bottoms or something? and speaking of clothing, the beanies look like total shit. i mean, maybe if your guy had dreads, which aren’t available btw, the beanie would look alright. oh well, it is still better than skate one in a lot of ways. i probably won’t go into said ways, because i’d rather complain, but it is. here’s another thing that is kinda lame about it: i don’t really feel like i’m cruising around in a real city anymore. now i feel like i’m just cruising around in a gigantic skate park made to resemble a city. sort of (please forgive this) tony hawk-ish. a little too flashy, if you ask me. also, one of the main things i was hoping for was to be able to skate at night, like in real life, but no.
if you care at all, here’s a bundle of media from the top of my head that is not shitty (may not apply to all) that we will partake in the consuming of this year/spring/summer:
karl sanders (of nile) – saurian exorcisms (4/14/9)
cattle decapitation – the harvest floor (1/20/9)
underworld iv (1/23/9 is rhona mitra in black leather day)
rome – new material (“scheduled for late june”)
ea skate deuce – (1/21/9 i think)
irepress – sol i sea i (2/17/9)
mastodon – crack the skye (spring o nine)
terminator: salvation (5/22/9 fuckin A)
fast and furious (4/3/9—yea, so what? we’re still gonna see it)
scale the summit – carving desert canyons (2/12/9)
spiritual front – rotten roma casino (this summer we hope)
the watchmen (3/6/9 dr. manhattan would whip superman)
raekwon – only built for cuban linx 2 (“comin real soon”—hmm, sure)
there’s definitely mo, but my head is now skimmed.
mood: sloth
listening to: calexico discography on shuffle
today i’m sitting around. i’m supposed to be building a six million square foot deck over on non pariel, but the asphalt guys are laying the driveway, and i can’t very well pull the generator out of the garage into hot-wet asphalt. i already knew i wouldn’t be able to work over there, but i drove there anyway and turned around when i saw forty-nine trucks parked out front. so now, i’m probably supposed to be heading down to the office to work on a new banner for the mailout, but i aint. i don’t feel like drawing today. i feel like driving. need to get a bike sometime this century—would be ill. i went and sat on the new 09ZX10R. GREEN. i need.
sometime over a year ago, i took this driving trip on a whim. i’m thinking about doing it again this year soon as the passes open. was in the bmw last time, this time, the golf. not as fun, so i don’t know. i went way up through these towns to where we always go four-wheeling and just kept driving over the pass till i hit the desert on the border of nevada. it didn’t really take that long. i went through this marine training camp comin down the back side of the pass. dudes everywhere in camo. i got lost on 395. went north instead of south and had to stop at this shitty gas-station for a map, water and bolo-ties. i remember my car was dusty as hell, the way i like it. people drive about ninety miles an hour out there, on 395. i kinda got into it with this black monte carlo. anyway, i ended up just turning around and comin back the way i went. next time i’m gonna make the loop. on my way back over the pass though, near the top, i stopped at this pullout and climbed a pile of huge boulders that were on the edge of a cliff overlooking everything. of course i had to take a piss off of it. the wind was insane. i had to keep low so i wouldn’t plunge to my death. i made a rock totem up there in this spot where it wouldn’t blow over. i just remembered i have some fritos in the cabinet.
hi, i need attention. you probably know me. i’m the guy with the red, yellow or white hat. it’s on backwards, as are my huge white oakley sunglasses. i’m an asshole. you might also know me as a dickhead or douchebag. i’m the guy who drives the GIANT truck with the dirt-bikes in the back. yeah, now you remember. i’m that guy. the guy with the tapout shirt. if you ask me, i’ll probably tell you i’m training to be in the ufc, but i’m not. my head is too big for my body. i used to be a fatass when i was a kid, but now i’m just kinda fat with lame, unoriginal tattoos. i like pit bulls only. also, i usually know this guy who can do anything better than you or anyone you know. anyway, next time i see you walking and i’m in my gay-ass truck, i’ll be sure to rev the engine when i pass you. you’ll know it’s me because of the tapout, fox, norcal or calvin-pissing-on-a-truck-logo sticker in the back. and maybe, if my friends are with me, i’ll call you a faggot and try to peel out. really though, this douchebag image wasn’t my idea. it’s just that everyone else is doing it and i’m somewhat of a massive tool. budweiser-4-life. i have a small dick.
mood: tired
listening to: lost children of babylon – words from the duat and the equidivium.
mirror’s edge–the game that inspired us to start blogging. mirror’s edge–innovative first-person parkour game, or piece of shit annoying repetitive anxiety simulator?
we’ve been watching parkour and free-running videos on sites like youtube for a while now. like many other not-couch-potatoes, we used to run around vaulting over fences and climbing obstacles when we were kids, but then some kids, mostly this one kid from france, entitled and defined it.
so, like many other fans of the sport, we’ve been waiting around a hundred years for a parkour game to surface. when assassin’s creed was finally released, it made us even more parkour-hungry. we wanted wall running, vaulting, flips, aerials, cat-leaps. sure, prince of persia had done most of it in a fantastical, unrealistic sort of cartoon-ish way, but we needed an urban landscape, and something semi-realistic. we wanted ea skate without the board, and when ea announced their new parkour-esque adventurer mirror’s edge, we almost shit in our nike warm-ups.
so, it’s first person? why? the developers say it’s better that way… hmm, no. and the only playable character is female? well, hmm, we’re still going to buy it. it looks pretty and we saw the wall running during the trailer.
alright, so, we suppose if you bought this game without any expectations, or got it as a gift it could be sort of fun. we mean, say you hadn’t watched a lot of parkour videos on youtube or anything, it could be fun, maybe. if you are a person who loves repetitive repetitive repetitive puzzle games and has no expectations of traversing a city landscape freely like a modern day acrobatic courier without being gunned down by a dozen swat-men in helicopters every millisecond and having to follow a pre-made pathway ten-thousand feet up with zero peripheral vision. like if you love doing the same thing–run, climb, jump, roll, run, get shot, die, repeat–at least twenty times until you have the entire level totally memorized and then finally and barely survive to the next auto-save point. until you are about to throw your fuckin controller at the tv because this game is so fucking ridiculously retarded–then maybe, yeah, you’d love it.
we guess what we are doing here is a bit of venting, because even though this game makes us red-faced, to the point of screaming obscenities and punching the couch cushions, we keep coming back to it. it is definitely not what we expected or wanted, really, but it is the closest thing so far. so, if you haven’t played mirror’s edge yet and have plans to, save your third-person cat-leap over the air duct to front flip off the roof expectations for the next vg developer’s attempt at a parkour title. also, be prepared to swing your controller by the cord as hard as you can against the coffee table.
oh, and i have never seen anyone sprint into a baseball-style slide on concrete underneath a pipe because it’s a stupid thing to fuckin do. oh, and no free-run option in the main menu? really…
E 
You must be logged in to post a comment.